Equal and Unequal Relationships
by Don and Martha Rosenthal
The momentum of history presents me with the unequal dominant-submissive relationship, in which real intimacy is scarcely possible. In the dominant role I take more seriously my own self-interest and do what I want without worrying about my partner. In the subservient role (actually a disguised form of self-interest) I regard my partner's needs as paramount, swallow my feelings, and avoid standing up for what I want: I do what my partner wants and lack care for myself.
Although superiority and inferiority sound like polar opposites, they are simply reverse sides of a single coin: unworthiness. My need to be either dominant or subservient arises from my feeling bad about myself; I believe I require something from my partner to allay my discomfort. Such a relationship arises from our mutual insecurity; both of us are willing to play our unhappy roles. It inevitably leads us to the limitation and resentment inherent in all hierarchical relationship.
If I am the subservient member and get angry at my dominant partner for being controlling or overly assertive, I have missed the key point: I have chosen to be in an unequal relationship. I may naturally experience fear when I contemplate a relationship based on equality. Our culture has taught us little about balanced intimacy, so for most of us it requires learning and practice. Nevertheless, I will discover that the instant I choose not to be in an unequal relationship I am free, and can't be controlled. Comfortable in myself, I will relate from a stance of equality with everyone, free from issues of power. Whenever someone tries to relate hierarchically with me (from either end) it will neither bother me nor take effect.
The equal partnership inevitably faces the challenge of contradictory desires around money, sex, living situation, children, use of time, and so forth. If my partner and I wish to establish equality then we will each agree to ask for what we want without demanding it. Each of us will take the other's preferences into account at the same level as our own. We will each develop comfort in saying, "Here's what I want; how is that for you?" If I'm inclined toward the dominant role, I tend to omit the second half of this proposal. If I am submissive, I neglect the first half. It helps to know on which side I tend to err.
The way these things are ultimately resolved is greatly affected by the purpose we both bring to negotiation. Focusing on the solution to a problem before finding emotional alignment is starting from the wrong end. My partner and I experience frustration when trying to "work things out" before establishing an emotionally safe atmosphere. No matter how skilled we are at communicating, it is difficult to proceed effectively without a presumption of goodwill underlying the disturbance, a sense of wishing each other well. A feeling of "I want it to work for you, too," is essential to progress. We'd like to put our heads and hearts together and come up with something with which we are both happy and satisfied. Such a joint purpose will bring forth a positive outcome.
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Defenses and Healthy Boundaries
by Don and Martha Rosenthal
Q. In the past I have tended to allow others, especially my partner, to have their way at the sacrifice of my own interests. Afterwards I resent them. My partner has the opposite issue: he is very good at taking care of himself, but he is sometimes defensive and harsh in doing so. Can we take care of ourselves and remain loving?
A. One of intimacy’s great challenges lies in keeping ourselves feeling safe without becoming hard and invulnerable. How can we open ourselves to another and still retain our full individual integrity? The answer, we feel, lies in the distinction between defenses and loving boundaries.
We all have likes, preferences, and needs. From these arise the necessity to set healthy and appropriate boundaries with others as to what we will and won't tolerate. Loving and honoring ourselves will naturally give rise to such boundaries. Out of respect for myself, for example, I may not wish to engage in intimate behavior if I am not in the right frame of mind. In saying no I am making a boundary out of self love. Such boundaries always keep the heart open to the other.
Fear has its own strategy for attempting to keep us safe. Defenses arise from the false belief that closing the heart is the way to self-protection. While defenses may superficially resemble loving boundaries, they have a different flavor. Defenses involve contraction, resistance, a diminution in the flow of life energy, shutting down, blaming, a lessening of the feeling of love. They tend to trigger the same in our partner. Defenses never succeed in bringing us the hoped-for feeling of safety. In fact the reverse is true; in the act of defending we strengthen fear’s premises and feel even less safe.
Unfortunately, most of us have learned since childhood to equate setting limits with closing the heart. Many of us seldom experienced loving boundaries when we were young. Therefore we don’t yet know how to make clean boundaries while keeping the heart open. Traditionally we err in two different directions, both of which lead to resentment.
Some avoid making clear boundaries in order not to risk conflict or hazard the other’s dislike. Fuzzy boundaries may also arise from the perception that one hasn’t the right to say no. In lacking clear boundaries we both feel a victim and resent the other for the power we have given them. In parenting this mistake is the permissive parent.
Others make boundaries easily, but close their hearts in the act, believing these defenses are the only way to remain safe. Of course this breeds another kind of resentment. In parenting this is the authoritarian parent. Interestingly, both weak boundaries and harsh boundaries arise from feeling bad about oneself. Neither alternative feels good to either party.
Without comfortable boundaries I am like a de-clawed cat entering the woods, understandably afraid because other creatures now have an unnatural power over me. I may walk through life with the limited relational goal of merely avoiding the upset of others. Fortunately, the de-clawing is reversible. Functional claws arise from being in touch with what doesn’t feel right, and having the self-love and courage to say no! Making boundaries in a loving way as firmly as needed affirms the other’s worth while limiting their behavior. It is a blessing to learn the art of making such boundaries, for it is the one alternative that respects both parties.
For example, say my partner wants to relate with me and I am feeling the need to be alone. The first mistake is to dishonor myself by disregarding my need and relating anyway. The second is to push my partner brusquely away. What feels better is an open-hearted boundary: “Dear, I’m feeling the need to pull back from relating for a while and be by myself. I’ll be glad to talk to you later.”
If I lack comfortable boundaries I may believe that showing my partner love would result in an overwhelming demand for more. For example, even though I would enjoy receiving loving touch, I may nonetheless avoid it, because I fear making a boundary if the situation goes farther than I am ready for. Rather than avoiding physical affection altogether, I am better off learning to set limits graciously. Boundaries made in comfort, without guilt, are usually well-received.
If I have weak boundaries then I may want to examine more precisely what is entailed in making good ones. First, I need to develop the habit of asking myself more frequently what I want in the moment, positively or negatively. To find the true answer I then need to sink down beneath my attempts to “figure out” my judgments and “shoulds,” and get in touch with my deeper truth. Once this is ascertained, I need to be willing to express my wishes directly, asking clearly for what I want, and making firm boundaries around what I don’t.
When good boundaries are lacking, it is useful to find out where in this process the difficulty lies. If, lacking self-love, I habitually try to please, I may blind myself to the very existence of my own honest likes and dislikes. Because I am so used to doing what the other wants, I abandon the normal and healthy habit of consulting my own desires, until their very existence no longer occurs to me.
Should I manage to transcend this habit, other difficulties await me. Over time my conditioned mental judgments may have blocked the instinctive capacity to identify my own deepest wishes. If my mind is filled with a confusing array of “shoulds” I may have difficulty getting in touch with my true preference. Finally, even if I do come to know well what I do or don’t want, I may not express myself clearly and firmly for fear of causing displeasure in another. If my self-esteem is shaky this prospect may feel like the ultimate catastrophe.
Although I may tell myself that I'm uncomfortable because someone will get angry or stop loving me, it is actually not their response I am afraid of, but of how I believe it will make me feel. If in setting a boundary I feel good about myself, then it won’t much matter if the other person doesn’t like where the boundary is placed (think of a loving and skillful parent responding to a cranky child). I will be upset by their negative response in proportion to the guilt I feel making the boundary.
It is good to explore together those areas in our relationship where loving boundaries might replace fear's defenses. We discuss what loving boundaries might look like, sound like, feel like. We inquire together how we might encourage such boundaries, and gently remind each other that they are in the interest of improved relational harmony.
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